More parents moving in with adult children

From the Sunday, Nov. 9, 2008 edition of the Northwest Herald:

More parents moving in with adult children

By DIANA SROKA - dsroka@nwherald.com
For eight years, Dorothy Pahr split housing costs with a friend in Florida. But as she approached retirement, she realized it wasn't a living situation she could maintain.

"I couldn't work anymore," said Pahr, 78. "I was ... paying half of everything. I couldn't afford to do that."

So in 2004, Pahr moved to Wonder Lake to live with two of her adult daughters, joining the ranks of thousands of McHenry County parents who are living in their adult children's households.

As families struggle to make ends meet, this living arrangement has become increasingly more frequent in the county and nationwide. However, it's a living situation that can provoke squabbles among parents and adult children over everything from furniture placement to who performs which household chores.

According to statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of parents living with their grown children in McHenry County increased by almost 200 percent between 2000 and 2007. Census Bureau figures show that there were 1,389 parents living in their adult children's households in McHenry County in 2000. In 2007, that number had climbed to 4,128.

Nationally, the number of parents living with adult heads of households increased by 67 percent between 2000 and 2007.

"The recent rise has been with grandparents," said Roberta Coles, a sociology professor at Marquette University in Milwaukee, Wis. "I think that's largely … because of the economy."

She said it's also possible the trend was being spurred by the aging baby boomer generation, longer life expectancies and the rising cost of nursing care.

"People are living longer, and they don't want to be living more of those years in a nursing home," Coles said. "If people go at all, they'd like it to be toward the end of their lives when they can't function."

In spite of the good intentions behind adult children inviting their parents to move in with them, it can be a challenging experience.

Among the most common underlying causes of tension in this type of living arrangement is an uncertain distribution of power.

Anytime someone moves into another person's home, the homeowner will have the most authority in the household, Coles said. For parents moving into their adult children's homes, that can be tough to get used to, since it's generally a direct reversal of the relationship that parents and children have had.

"The ones who are moving in have less leverage," Coles said. "They may feel they're imposing."

To prevent conflict, Coles recommends the family have candid conversations about each member's household responsibilities and expectations. During these conversations, it's crucial for adult children to reassure their parents that they are welcome and wanted in the home, but to firmly outline each family member's role, she said.

Since it's not uncommon for the parents of adult children also to feel as if they are putting a burden on their grown children, she said it helps if the parents make a contribution that has economic value, such as household chores or childcare.

"Either those things just wouldn't get done sometimes, or maybe some families would have to hire out," Coles said.

When parents perform those tasks, their need in the household will be reaffirmed.

Pahr's contribution is a home-cooked meal many nights of the week.

She didn't get to eat dinner with her children when they were growing up because she was a single mom working long hours as a waitress. So now she tries to have a warm meal waiting by the time two of her daughters, Mary Bender, 52, and Helen Kerwin, 55, get home from work.

"I make the meals, I do the shopping," Pahr said. "I love it."

On the other hand, adult children might feel guilty because they aren't able to spend as much time with their parents as they would like to, often because they have full-time jobs, their own children and other commitments.

Sheila Proctor, owner of Senior Helpers in Crystal Lake, calls this feeling "caregiver guilt."

"Most [adult children] typically work, and there's no one there with mom or dad during the day," Proctor said.

Senior Helpers tries to fill that gap by offering paid driving, food management or caregiving services to families with this type of living arrangement.

For anywhere from $17 to $21 an hour, a trained Senior Helpers caregiver can drive older parents to the beauty shop, senior center or run errands, Proctor said.

Receiving outside help isn't right for everybody, though. Pahr said her living arrangement has worked out well so far, and she's enjoying spending more time with her daughters.

"They don't take my bossing around at all," she said, jokingly. "We always worked together, and I always say 'By the grace of God, we did it.'"

Number of parents living with adult children in McHenry County in 2000: 1,389
Number of parents living with adult children in McHenry County in 2007: 4,128
Source: U.S. Census Bureau